Balancing the Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man in my late 40s, my life has involved numerous, mostly pleasurable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved nor sexually nourished. Truthfully, I have always craved casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement dwindles, I always get the urge to have sex with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, often resulting in lots of heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle various forms of sexual unions as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you may find yourself more decisive and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over the future and playing the “What if?” game is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay present with your partners, and recognize the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. If and when you are ever ready to deepen true intimacy with one partner, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist focusing on treating intimacy issues.
